A complete guide to never getting invited hiking again

Have you been invited on yet another hike to an incredible peak? Make this the last time that ever happens by following our handy guide.

Bring food you don’t really like

Hungry? Of course you are … Photo: Johnie Gall

Nothing satisfies intense mid-hike hunger like kale chips. Bring plenty of nutritious food so you can show your trail party how health-conscious you are.

When your stomach starts grumbling and you feel faint, you can always ask for half of your friend’s tuna sandwich and Snickers bar. He won’t mind.

On that note, don’t bring enough water

How are you supposed to lug 3 liters of water around when your pack is already so heavy?

It’s best to bring a small plastic bottle and fill it up using water from your friends’ CamelBaks later. Nothing builds a friendship like thirst.

Remember that no one knows as much as you do

"See?! Nailed it! BOOM!" Photo: Courtesy of Nitish Meena/Unsplash

“See?! Nailed it! BOOM!” Photo: Nitish Meena/Unsplash

Your hiking party doesn’t know how lucky they are that they invited you along, so be sure to remind them whenever there’s a lull in the conversation.

You spent an entire weekend on the Pacific Crest Trail back in 2002, and have since skimmed through three guidebooks on native plants.

Make sure you tell everyone the proper way to adjust his or her hiking poles. Oh, and don’t forget to remind them of that time you met Bear Grylls at the In-N-Out Burger on Venice.

Wander off the trail by yourself

How do you know when you're over the edge? Photo: hilaryvolson/Twenty20

OMG, we love when you get the perfect Insta and we think you’ve been eaten by raptors! Photo: hilaryvolson/Twenty20

Give your trail party some space by secretly hiking into the woods to go to the bathroom or take a selfie. It doesn’t get much more exciting than waiting around for someone, wondering if they’re hurt.

Wear your brand-new shoes or pack without breaking them in

There’s no time like the present to break in your new purchases, and long, steep hikes will only expedite the process.

Be sure to tell everyone when you develop a blister.

Talk about how much your knees/back/sunburn/pinkie toe hurts

Let us guess: Just go on without you. Photo: jinnkisss/Twenty20

There’s nothing your trail party would rather listen to than your complaints; detail the type and intensity of your pain every 10 yards or so, and stop to rub your sores for extra effect.

Bonus points if you refuse pain medication or bandages. Sigh often.